These two...

July 4, 2018

It’s hot today.  It’s been crazy hot for days, ungodly hot some might say.  Heat weary folks remain in the cradle of air conditioning (if you’re one of the lucky ones), they head to the water, any kind of water, the shade of a park, or to the darkness of the movie theater.  The bookstore was crowded the other day as big and little humans escaped the unrelenting heat, tucking into corners to see what treasures might be found.  Bookstores are good like that, and those with a corner cafe with ice cold beverages are even better on days like this.  Even the dogs looked at me this morning with mournful eyes… when will this be over?  When can we go for a walk again?  Soon I told them.  Soon. 

As I’ve rambled unproductively around the steamy surroundings of our home the past few days, I came across a quote that gave me pause - Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different.  And as I’ve sought creative strategies for remaining cool and ungrumpy in a house not equipped with central air, I’ve given this notion a fair amount of thought   No doubt, things could be different.  We could install AC, but that is not the point I’m getting at, nor do I believe this is where the deepest meaning of those words reside.

It can be easy to get trapped beneath the illusion that things could be different, and by that I mean the big stuff, which I believe is exactly where the essential meaning of this quote rests.  Let’s face it, we can buy different shoes, decide to eat more plants (or not), choose to paint the room a different shade of off-beige.  We can find another parking spot or plant more lettuce after the (adorable) bunnies devoured the first crop.  These little life dilemmas can always be made different.  But the big stuff, as much as we’d like to think otherwise, we just don’t have as much of a say.  And so letting go of any illusion to the contrary opens us up to move forward, and most importantly, onward to what is.

Ten years ago, on a beautiful, blue-skied July 4th morning, Bob and I started down an unwanted, uncertain path, at times equal parts frightening and infuriating, as well as humbling, united by gratitude, faith and hope.  Each year, as the calendar circles back to that dreaded day, the madness of it all seems like yesterday, and a million years ago. 

The truth is  -  it could not have been any different.  I do not subscribe to the “everything happens for a reason” mantra, because I think it’s just a giant load of bull.  But I do buy into the truth that our journey, like the journeys of nearly everyone else, has been fraught with challenge and struggle.  Despite this, or perhaps because of it, our life is as it is meant to be - that complicated and that simple.

Two years ago, when we lost our most cherished, most beloved father, there could be no illusion that it could be any different either.  It was his time.  We could not have been gifted with a better man to call our own, and our hearts will forever miss his tremendous spirit, and will always, always hold him close.  I think of him every single day, imagining his face, his smile, his warm embrace, and know how lucky I have been and how deeply my heart longs for him.

At this time of year, on hot summer days teeming with vacations, backyard barbeques, long, meandering sun soaked afternoons and July 4th celebrations, it's not unusual for me to reflect upon these complex experiences of struggle and despair, and a long held deep determination to persevere and accept what is.  The calendar seems to demand it, despite any inner objections I may have to thinking about it at all. 

This year, what has become crystal clear is that at the very heart of all of life’s messiness is, quite simply, love.  I know.  I know.  It can’t be paired down to such a simple notion, some will say.  There she goes with her head in the clouds again, others may think.  But yes, in fact it can, I contend.

For anyone who has faced adversity and hardship, which is everyone to one degree or another, I would like to think that along the way they experienced love in some way, from someone, in some form that brought light and goodness to their life.  I know for us that is most certainly true, no illusion there at all.

Bob and I have been gifted with the love and support of many friends and family over the years.  Never did we expect our life to roll out as it has, but we remain blessed and grateful for the bounty of love extended to us along the way.  And on days when the struggle feels heavy, I am reminded that love comes in many forms… in the tender, knowing nod from a long-time friend who has been a faithful witness and champion to us along the way, in the impish smile from the young girl serving coffee at the bakery, in the hug received from a fellow yogi at the start of class, in the calm that settles inside when one’s breath falls deeply into the well of the belly, in the handwritten note received “just because”, in the pinks and blues and grays spanning the night sky, in the silly chatter and song of young nieces and in their heartfelt musings of a grandfather unconditionally loved, in the droopy eyes of an old dog who has loved you since the day she first climbed into your lap, in the photos of times gone by and loved ones passed, in the words and small gestures of those still here to hold us up, in the shade of a giant tulip tree planted nearly 100 years ago when Bob’s dad was just a boy, in the whir of Georgia’s mixer used countless times as she baked from her heart, in the memory of hands and arms used to embrace us, and in the flutter of the leaves when the moon is full and you’re certain and reassured once again that your dad remains forever by your side.  All of this, and so much more, is love. 

And so on this day, in the spirit of love, I remember two of the most precious people in my life.  One is intense, impatient and fiery, with an active, brilliant mind teeming with details and inexhaustible scenarios.  In constant motion, a lifetime of projects ahead of him, he is shrewd, inventive and decidedly creative, with earnest blue eyes known to speak volumes all on their own when the words he wishes to say won’t readily come. 

The other was easy, unhurried, measured, with a lightness unencumbered by details and future plans, and undeniably thoughtful, with a spirited intellect quietly waiting to be shared.  His warmth, sweetness and infectious sense of humor was irresistible and profoundly unforgettable.  And that bear hug, well, it was simply extraordinary.

At first glance these two may appear poles apart, but their essences merge at one very key juncture… in the integrity of the heart.  Both possess a profoundly compassionate and discerning nature, loving and fiercely loyal.  It is in these two souls where tenderness resides and from which I have received, with no illusion at all, love unmatched.  How lucky am I to be loved not once, but twice, from the deep well of these two precious hearts.

The struggle is real, as they say.  Tomorrow is always a new day, though we will never know what it will bring.  I am forever changed by these two amazing humans, and from the love from countless others.  In the blistering heat of this July day, as the calendar reminds me of what was and what is, there can be no illusion that it could be any different.  That complicated and that simple.

In gratitude, and in longing for cooler days ahead… love to all.  

Onward.